Do you ever get frustrated with your man because you don’t know HOW to communicate with him?
Or just don’t know how to talk to him in a way that allows him to open up and NOT turn into an argument?
Here’s an email from Deirdre:
My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me this weekend. Its the 3rd time he has dumped me, once in february 2008 again in may 2009 (lasted about 6months) and now he has done it again.
I don’t understand. we get along brilliantly, are madly in love and have amazing chemistry, however we do have stupid fights. Whenever conflict arises he ignores me, wont speak for a few days and wont resolve the problem.
I get frustrated and end up getting mad at him, as they aren’t big issues. His reason for breaking up is that he thinks whenever we get very serious, our fights get worse. (by very serious he means when we start talking about marriage and kids)
I guess my question is how do i communicate with men better so that they don’t pull away? How do i handle him dumping me again?
I guess the first thing I’d have to say is change HOW you’re currently communicating with your man.
Men don’t like to be nagged, bossed around or made to feel inadequate. If you’re using “dirty language”, saying things like:
“I hate it when you do this.”
“Why can’t you do that.”
He’s going to feel as if he isn’t good enough for you, as if you’re not happy to be with him.
You’ve mentioned that when conflict arises, he ignores you. This is probably because he doesn’t know how else to deal with you. He may not always want an argument or he is just tired of arguing with you.
Also, I suspect he is feeling some pressure from you for commitment (marriage and kids) and he isn’t ready for all this.
The more you push these issues, the more he will want to shy away from them. When arguments start, they turn into a snowball effect. You may start talking about one small thing, but end up bringing up every other conflict you’ve had, big or small to validate your point.
As you may probably know, it’s a recipe for disaster.
If you are still in a relationship, I would say to have a sit down with him and talk about all the major issues you have been arguing over. Do it calmly, rationally and tell one another that you do NOT want to fight, so you must keep your voice calm throughout and give each of you a turn to speak about your side of the story.
Since you’ve been dumped, I would leave him alone until he comes around again. As you said, NC seemed to work well for you.
This time however, make a list of all the issues you do fight over, think about how the arguments were triggered, why you got more upset then you needed to, what “words” you used and how you would do it differently if you were to relive that moment.
Do not contact him about it. Do this on your own.
Apologise for your past behaviour and briefly say you’re working on these issues without him. Let him know he can contact you when he is ready.
Once you ARE in contact, that’s when you’ll want to have that talk again, though not straight away. Ease into it.
The key to making it work THIS time is to understand his point of view. The main problem men have with women during an argument is that women don’t listen!
So, listen this time, get his side of the story, allow him to speak, ask questions to get him to open up and most importantly, DON’T butt in with why he is wrong, you’re right and how your actions were validated.
The misconception is that men don’t want to open up to a woman. The truth is men just need a bit of help in doing it, with encouragement and reward, instead of begin cut off and made to feel wrong all the time.
The same goes for when you want to talk about marriage and kids. Does he bring this topic up on his own? Does he contribute much to the conversation when serious discussions are brought up?
If he isn’t, you need to get to the bottom of WHY. He needs to be just as excited about it as you are or else I’d bet anything that he is keeping his real feelings to himself because he doesn’t want to course another argument with you.
You don’t want your man to hide important issues like this from you, or else they WILL manifest in another break up!
This is how you communicate with your man and get him to open up to you.
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