As a relationship coach I got a lot of questions about break ups, how to fix it, what to do and how to get an ex back. Today, I’d like to give an answer to this usual question…
How long should you wait for an ex?
When a person says things such as, “I want my ex back”, “I want them back now” or “I’ll try for this time and if I don’t get them back”, it’s their way of setting up a time or date limit to cope with the situation and it isn’t recommended because getting over someone or getting someone back doesn’t work that way.
You have to understand that there is no sure thing about life and putting a time limit on winning your ex is actually your excuse to still hold on to that person.
After a break up, you have to think of the relationship as an entity that is over.
It’s no longer.
It’s in the past.
There are or may have been wonderful moments with that person but if you’ve broken up, chances are there are things that aren’t working in the relationship. So you should not cling on to that relationship and want that person back along with all the problems.
Think about this, why would you want that broken relationship back?
To help you analyze the answer to that, you first need to ask yourself, do I want that person back?
This is where soul-searching comes in handy. You have to really take a look on things such as how much do you have in common, how compatible you really with your ex and what are problems were. If you feel that you screwed up the relationship and feel soul responsible for all the mistakes then you have it all wrong. Just like the saying goes it takes two to tango and so does a relationship which means its not just you. Your partner has also contributed to downfall of the relationship.
The next thing you need to do is to stop blaming yourself for everything and start being realistic. You have to look at what went on objectively and if you’re still clinging on to that flawed relationship this step won’t be very easy.
This is why I recommend the No Contact period. By distancing yourself from your ex you are giving yourself the space to really look at it in an unbiased perspective. You’d be able to tell what ‘s working from what’s not. You may even realize that you are only clinging in to the idea of having that person back in your life because you just grew accustomed to having that person in your life. But if in the end, you still find yourself saying, “he/she is the right person for me” then the next step to take is analyze if you can handle it?
The process of getting your ex back leads to two different ways, success or failure. Even if you realized that you still want your ex, you must be prepared to handle the possibilities of being happy even when your ex decides to move on without you. It’s hard alright, but you have to remember that after the break up, you and your ex are two single people that can do anything without thinking about the other person.
You should start making plans without involving your ex. It can be intimidating and empowering at the same time. What you want to achieve here is independence because being too dependent on your partner can also be bad for a relationship. So even if you are with someone you should still have that sense of independence in you.
Now after those 3 questions answered, the key thing to remember is that old relationship is in the past. However, you have to take with you the lessons you’ve learned to avoid repeating the same mistakes again. Keep those lessons along with the good memories at the back of your head only for reference. If you don’t do this your ex will only be remembered of that conflicted relationship that didn’t work and that won’t help you if you wish to have that person back in your life. You might even realize that this ex may not really be the right person for you.
To wrap it up, my answer to this dreaded question, how long should you wait for an ex?, is you don’t need or should want to wait.
Don’t give yourself a time limit, it’s not the best thing to do and it’s very passive. . That puts you in a submissive-passive role of waiting and not taking action. So you wanted to always to set action above all and actions for yourself. So you’d want to say…
“Okay right now I’ve decided I’m going to accept the relationship, its over. I appreciate the relationship for what it was. The happy memories we had. The lessons I’ve learned, I’m storing it away in my head and now I’m going to focus on other things, on where my life is headed now and if my ex happens to come along and to talk on things that happened great. Maybe something can happen but maybe not, I’m finding the way because you want to be open”
Open yourself to new exciting things that can come your way. Think about it if you give yourself a deadline on getting your ex back and just live with that idea, how would you handle it when you reached your deadline and not achieve your goal? You’d feel a failure right?
Live your life to the path that will make you happier and if your ex decides to be part of that new life you’re starting, take it slow because you wouldn’t want to be talking about what went on the past. That discussion won’t be avoided but in the initial stage of re-attraction you’d want to keep it light, fun and casual just like when you were starting dating.
That’s the best way to have a second chance to your ex because if your ex cares about you, if they love you most likely they’d want to talk to you. They’d want to contact you and see if there could be a possibility that things can get better this time and the only way you can try again and hope for it to be better is if you’re looking forward both of you and not constantly bringing the past and bringing what’s going wrong in the past and talking about the past problems.
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