Dating Men: Are You Driven By Love or Fear?


It doesn’t matter if you’re single, started a new relationship or in a relationship for some time, I’d like you to take a moment to consider where your “relationship motivations” are coming from. The reason I believe it’s important to understand what drives your actions, is because this has a direct influence on the long term success of your love life.

And who doesn’t want to make sure what you invest now in love will pay off in 1, 5, or 10+ years?

When you do something for a man, whether it’s to cook him dinner, send a sweet loving text, be 100% supportive of his dreams or flirt with that cute waiter, what is REALLY the motivating factor behind these actions?

If you’re secretly driven by fear…

Fear Based Motivators:

  • You’re sick of being alone. You’re afraid you may be alone forever. That pushes you out into the dating arena. You take on more risks than usual. You may even give the ugly, balding, chubby guy a chance because maybe he has a heart of gold and could potentially be a great dad.
  • You’re scared you’ll lose this guy you’re dating. It’s taken you long enough, you’ve finally found a great catch for you, the man you possibly want to spend the rest of your life with, but there’s a catch, you constantly find yourself on edge that you’ll lose him.
  • You’re worried you’re not “pretty enough”, “good enough”, “smart enough”, so perhaps you sell yourself short on the types of guys you DO go for.
  • You’re worried you’ll get hurt (again). So you’re overly careful, overly jumpy about all the “subtle” hints of not wanting to commit that you yourself are worried about.

When fear based thoughts are the primary driver for your actions, you may find yourself doing things you normally wouldn’t do, and acting in a way that isn’t really you.

For example, you become a super girlfriend, that girl who is sexy, smart, funny, caring, loving, affectionate, undemanding, understanding, cool, overdoing and overgiving… basically the epitome of the dream girl 99% of guys SAY they want (especially on youtube, popular dating blogs, men mags etc) because you want to prove to the guy that you’re truly amazing, and he absolutely needs to fall in love with you, marry you, have kids with you… because you’re clearly not one of those bitchy, cold, selfish, disrespectful women out there that treat their men like crap.

Sounds wonderful right?

What’s the problem with this?

Um, because that super girlfriend/wife, doesn’t exist. Never has existed. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship, hell, anyone who is just honest with themselves knows that they are not perfect, they have bitchy, selfish, moody days, when they act like a three-headed monster from some sci-fi movie.

Even if you can keep up the act for a long time, perhaps even long enough that he marries you, you will start to resent your man for not being able to accept and love the REAL you. Resentment can build and fester into ways that hurt your partner. At the same time, you’ll only grow more and more unhappy in your relationship.

Clearly, this is not the way to go.

If you’re secretly driven by love…

Love Based Motivators:

When I say “love”, I’m not talking about the love you feel for your man, I’m talking about the love you have (should have) for yourself. When you love yourself, your needs are important to you, your happiness is important to you, and ultimately if you’re happy, your relationship is healthy and your man (the right guy) should also be happy.

  • You’re happy with the life you’ve built for yourself. You want to share that with someone of your equal to amplify the amount of joy you feel on a consistent basis.
  • You love yourself, your good qualities and your bad. You are not afraid to be yourself in a relationship, even if that means sometimes hurting your partner. You know it’s better to live authentically for long term happiness, rather than be constantly on edge in order to fit the mold of someone else’s ideals.
  • You’re willing to accept his flaws openly because you accept yours. When he screws up, you’re quick to forgive. When you screw up, you’re quick to apologize.
  • You won’t “put him on a pedestal”. When you love yourself first, you allow yourself the choice to walk away if your partner is incapable of meeting your needs. If you allow your man to have the upper-hand, the power, then your needs will always be second to his. You’ll suppress your needs, your happiness, until overtime, always living in fear of losing him, you’ll either get fed up and eventually move on, OR, you’ll slowly grow cold and distant until you feel no love for him anymore.

I believe there’s no better time to be authentic in a relationship than in the beginning. When you allow yourself the freedom to be “you”, you’ll not only feel closer to your man, but you’ll have the best chance to build a relationship that is strong, healthy and loving in the long run.

When you are authentically you, you:

  • Can be sure your man accepts you for you, which allows you to relax and truly feel his love for you.
  • Feel more secure in the relationship.
  • Allows you the freedom to focus on other things, which prevents feeling anxious about the relationship.
  • Allows you to be happy.
  • Gives you the chance to grow real love between the two of you, one based on reality and not on superficial qualities.

So, what is the first step you should take to become happier in your relationship?

  • Stop lying to yourself. Be 100% honest about what your needs are in a relationship, and what YOU require to be happy.
  • Take responsibility of your own happiness. (He’s just a man, not a saint), he will try hard to make you happy if he loves you, but ultimately it’s still up to YOU to make yourself happy.

About Author'

Ashley Kay is an dating and relationship expert who runs an online dating and relationship newsletter, she's also the founder of

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